To all my Pendejas

 I never considered myself a smart girl or a jaded one. I always considered myself a romantic. I truly believed that love would conquer all. And this was my biggest mistake. I grew up in a broken home and endured much abuse. Sexual, physical, and emotional abuse. I don't say it lightly, although I do from time to time mention it more casually than I should. But it has shaped me and dictated many of my decisions if not all of them my entire life. I never reflected on my upbringing. I always just kept moving forward. Or so I thought because apparently, I didn't move forward as gracefully as I had once thought. I remember sitting in my therapist office during my first divorce and her asking me " Why do you think that you are not a drug addict or sex worker? You have been through a lot, and you speak about it so casually?" At the time the answer seemed like a no brainer. I simply replied. 

"Because it's in the past" 

    What I didn't know at the time was that I had not fully processed my life or any of the trauma that I had endured. I had always poured myself into whatever relationship I was currently in. I fully dedicated. I poured all of my energy and time into whoever I was currently attached to. There have been many attachments in my life. There were many times that I should have slowed down and not been a " Pendeja" I should have stopped to take a moment and think to myself. Is this the right decision? Am I really doing all of this for the right reasons?

    I am 38, a mother of 4 children, I have three baby daddies and about to have my second divorce. If I could go back into time and change my answer to that therapist. I would have replied.

" I am a drug addict. I am addicted to the highs and lows of narcissistic abuse. I am a sex worker. I give my body freely in exchange for approval"

Or better yet. I am addicted to abuse. Plain and simple. I am addicted to abuse. It is familiar to me. It feels like home. I can handle familiar. So, I sit in it. No matter how much I cry or how much I am hurting. I chose it over and over again. 

Because abuse is what I am comfortable with, I am comfortable with not facing myself. I hide behind my abuser because it's more comfortable to feel sorry for myself then to face my shadows. 

I am tired of hiding; I am ready to finally face myself. I am making a commitment to myself. I am going to log on and blog about my journey every day for a year. For a whole year I will tell my stories and finally face the parts of my me that I ignore, I am going to take accountability. I am going to attempt to learn from my mistakes and for the first time in my life I will be single and will only commit to a relationship with myself. 

To all my fellow Pendejas. You are not alone.